short note to those of you who've tried to IM me when i've been gone the past few days... i'm taking my comp to work this week because it's conference week and i have the entire afternoon stuck at school without classes, so i'm being all productive-like. your messages may or may not be delivered when i sign back on. i've gotten a couple of messages, and i've also gotten a couple of folks unhappy with me for not getting back to them...

so public notice: daytime (7am-5pm) IM is unreliable right now. i'm not signing on invisibly, i'm just not there.

now, there's this thing called a phone...

<edit> when i remember to charge it, that is... </edit>

about five months ago, my friend rachel and i were looking at a mutual friend's wedding photos. the pictures were lovely, the couple was adorable, and everyone looked happy. we were happy for them, and i began admiring various aspects of the wedding... i said, offhandedly, "i want another wedding. not really the marriage, tried that once, not ready to try it again yet. but a wedding, a happy, pretty day to enjoy family and friends and get presents and..." she agreed, so i jokingly asked her to marry me.

so we began planning our (imaginary) wedding. she would wear a navy blue gown, and i would wear an ivory suit. our colors would be navy, ivory, and silver. we thought about what gifts we would register for, since we wouldn't need to be sharing a household if we annulled the marriage the next day. we got rather girly that night, and it was fun for the evening. we were to be wed the very next morning, and posted this fact on facebook and a few other places.

to clarify: we are not actually engaged. we are not going to have a wedding. we are not even romantically involved. nothing against her as a person, but she's only out when she's drunk, and that's not my cup of tea. nonetheless, we both left the "engagement" status on our facebook profiles. i'm sure it's caused some confusion for her, because i know it has for me. just this morning, my pastor approached me and asked "so i saw on your facebook profile, it said you're engaged to a girl named rachel..." before you worry that she had issue with that fact, let me state that my pastor is a wonderful person. she's married to a great woman who sings on the praise team.

she saw a potential conflict between the fact that i'd talked about meeting a new friend, and the fact that i seemed to be engaged. "oh, yeah, pastor, that started as a joke, and i just leave it there to keep away stalkers and exes." i began to explain, she understood, and all was well... but the situation was still awkward-yet-amusing.

just earlier this week, rachel posted on my wall that she wanted to "break up" because she's "found someone new." i went with the joke, posting back on her wall "♪♫ and iiiii-eeee-aye will always loooooovve yooooouuuuuuu ... *sniff* i'll get over it." but then commented my true feelings on the situation to the post on my wall: "that's okay, i was honestly thinking about doing the same, it's getting awkward explaining it to each new person that i meet." the engagement was still on my profile when i left for church this morning... when i got home from the school after church, her name was gone from that section, and i deleted the "engaged" part.

someday, maybe. if the right person comes along... but my standards have significantly risen, and i'm not as trusting as i used to be, nor as willing to just be with someone because they love me, regardless of whether or not they're healthy for me... but that's another post. for now, this should suffice:

i'm *NOT* engaged. not even in a relationship. not nothin'.

just me, and i'm (usually) okay with that.

i still can't get used to having so much more blonde hair than before. if you aren't local, and haven't seen me, don't worry, i still have red hair, it's just buried under the blonde now.

i can't get used to the thought of dating again. maybe it's because all my good relationships started as friends first... except my marriage. oh wait, i said "good" relationships.

speaking of friends, i can't get used to having local friends again. not complaining, but it's just different. have been without for a few years, got used to interwebzing it up when i needed a hug... real hugs are nicer.

i *have* gotten used to single motherhood. honestly, it's not much different from before, except that i'm caring for two children instead of three.

i have also gotten used to having genuine self-confidence and esteem. mostly, anyway.

i hate crying.