<edit, after revising this a few times: i had originally published this as a private post... but recalling recent conversations with friends, i know some people will benefit from seeing my thought processes here, so i'm opening this up.>

 

why on earth does money scare me so much? why does the idea of letting someone else "be the provider" frighten me like this? why is it so hard for me to "put on the pointy ears" when it comes to this? (organization and numbers added after - why i <3 typing - MS/HS diaries were tons of scribbled-out words, revisions...)

 

1. pride. uber-independence. if i don't do it for myself, then i'm less of a competent parent, less of a functioning citizen, less of a person... but that's only part of it, and moreover it's so surface-level. why do i feel that way? there's more to it.

 

1a. differentiating myself from my mom, identifying with my father. she was "the job" for a short while when dad was in college, but the entire rest of the time, he was the wage-earner, while she drank away his paychecks, or her welfare, or whatever mark was able to bring her, it was embarrassing. for myriad reasons i've always tended toward being my father's daughter, in conscious and subconscious ways, in intentional choices and natural tendencies... but one of those reasons was that i always wanted to be the strong one, the bigger one, the one who didn't need anything from anyone. being needy is embarrassing. my mom started but never finished a handful of degrees, but my dad finished when i was in kindergarten... so i worked my tail off to finish my degree when professors told me to quit and raise my family. my sister was still welfare-fed when she turned 18, while my mom drank away the social security from dad's working all his life until he died. i moved across the country to keep from going back on welfare. no way do i need anyone else to help me. i can do it myself. like he did. he went to work when he was sick. he endured things that would've put lesser men on their backs or out of their heads. he kept things going and kept his head up even when it was hella hard. vikingness, eh? i can be a strong man like that too.

 

1b. watching my mom owe too many people and having to repay in too many ways. "i'm sorry i could never be a good example for you, but i'm glad you can see my mistakes and learn to do better than i could." bitch. i will be better than she was. if that's mothering, i'll be a dad, thanks. i'll provide for my kids. i'll keep it together. i'll keep them from hunger and cold and fear of mom's scary friends. i respected my dad for that. even when i hated his house, hated rules and boundaries and structure, i loved and respected that he genuinely seemed to do what he thought was best for us.

 

1c. the chad couldn't. i could. i'm a better person, a more functional person. why do i still GARA? idk. because it takes more than 2 yrs to get over a decade-plus of supporting a crazy-ass freeloader. (c'mon, jess, you totally support G in processing past the crazy ex, let yourself do it too. it's okay. really.)

(side note: same reason i've never seen a therapist since middle school - i beat OCD and SI on my own, manage PTSD with just friend-/fam-support... don't need extra help! similar idea? only incidentally related to fears over financial dependency, via dislike in general for any sort of dependence, but still interesting parallel.)

 

1d. y'know something? i compare myself to others too much. i refuse to be like my mom. i refuse to be like the chad. i refuse to be less than i feel i ought to be... but why does another person keep coming into the thing i feel i must be better than? point-of-reference? PTSD connections? or just being petty and self-important, making others seem worse to make self feel better? either way, regardless of the object of comparison, I AM BETTER THAN POOR. and even when i don't believe it, i'll say it anyway, because it's what my children need to see modelled.

 

2. fear. the deeper issue. pride is a cover? no, it's genuine, but it's actually the lesser issue, even though i play it up more because it's less risky, less vulnerable.

 

2a. see 1b, i don't want to owe a debt that i can't repay. indebtedness sucks, it just hangs over your head, increases your stress. drove her to drink. (yeah, what didn't drive her to drink? *snrk* eh, whatever.) would drive me to hide out at work, or in MMOs.

 

2b. i don't want to be called upon to repay a debt in a painful way. i spent at least the last 5 years of my marriage (prolly more) being afraid of asking for any sort of help from my spouse because who knew what i'd have to do for it, or how much harder life would be because i asked... let alone if he actually provided whatever assistance i'd requested. damn, i guess i did end up like my mom. fcsk.

(i ended up like my dad, too - needing to be needed, means relationships with needy people. am sooooo over that. glad to meet needs when relationship is mutually assistive... one more reason to thank God many times over for what i have now.)

 

3. habit. in the long run, 1 & 2 become 3. i just need to outgrow this. end of story.

 

i believe that i'll be less concerned about financial im-/balance once all pre-merge things are resolved. i was in kind of a rush to get taxes in before the move so that i could pay everything back before working out a combined budget. once any contribution she makes is for "family", not for "girlfriend", i think it'll be easier. i think. i haven't been in this situation before, so i can't guarantee, but i hope so. i think so. i believe so. i will make it so. (*snrk* "Make it so." yup, i'm tired if i'm talking to myself in a poor Patrick Stewart impersonation.)

 

God, help me work past this. give me the peace to accept that i'm the lesser wage-earner now, but that doesn't diminish my contribution to our family, it doesn't depreciate me in any way, and will not result in a decrease in my joy or my ability to serve You or those i love. thank You.

She's holding my hand.
We're sitting on the bus.
We're on our way.
We're going to
someplace we don't know
doesn't exist anymore.
I wonder, later,
whether that was
prophetic
or coincidence.
"Union Street",
says the bus.
Halfway there.
"Please hold on."
The man standing at my side,
and the woman behind him,
grip the loops to brace
themselves against
inertia.
My mind goes elsewhere.
The uncertainty.
The unknown.
The unplanned.
The unknowable.
The uncontrollable.
The...
"Larkin Street",
says the bus.
Next stop.
She smiles at me.
I squeeze her hand in response,
unable to find a smile just yet,
still lost in the void.
"Please hold on."
I am.
I will.
I won't let go.

Okay, so much to write about... let's start by just catching up on the random details of what I've been up to. That's easy and doesn't require too much deep thought.

I didn't get to Valhalla. I was sad about that. Very, very sad. But life thereafter has been on the up, so it's okay. Even when it's been a rollercoaster, the overall motion has been positive, so I'm pleased. But I'm sticking with the less subjective and more factual for tonight, so... yeah, I missed Valhalla.

The district tech summit went well. It started out totally chaotic and I thought at the outset that I might end up knocking some heads together, but it all evened out and was actually quite productive. I also got my classroom moved. I'm not totally "moved in" yet, everything's still in boxes and bags, but I should be able to get some of that done once my room is done being cleaned, hopefully next week. My schedule is kinda wonky, but I'm hoping that it stays the way it is, because it could be hella worse. I only get 45 minutes a week with each class, but I get a lot of prep/work time.

I took two trips with my gf in june. Yup, I said girlfriend. That gorgeous woman I mentioned a few posts back and I are now relationshippish. And she just gets more amazing by the day. But I'm trying to stick to objective historical facts here, so I'll end my assessment of her and of "us" there for now.

The first trip was the weekend after the tech summit, and was just an overnight excursion to the bay for her cousin's boatwarming/birthday party. It was really neat, getting to meet a number of her friends, including her cousin, who I probably worried too much about impressing, but meh. We were really ... *ahem* ... "absorbed in one another's company" that evening, and I think we kinda got a reputation, but it's all good.

The following weekend, we took three kids (my two and her youngest) to SF again for pride. We stayed with her cousin and friend who I'd met the week before, and packing the five of us into that small apartment with the two who already lived there was a bit cramped but cozy. On sunday when we were packing to leave, as she was taking stuff down the steps to the car, she stepped on some air, and, well, funny thing about air, it doesn't bear weight very well. She busted her ankle pretty bad, but we'd spent enough time together and gotten comfortable enough with one another that I was able to help her out while she mended.

That means that over the past two weeks, I've spent a total of 3 days at home. Which has been nice, I'm sure, for my boarders. Boarder. The buddy who's sleeping on my couch. And her girlfriend to whom I did not extend my hospitality, but instead found that it had been extended for me in my absence. It's been mostly nice for me too, as it meant getting lots of quality time with my sweetie, and being housewifey, and avoiding the couchsurfers, but it was also a little overwhelming, and I'm glad to be back in my own space.

I directed music at church last sunday, too. It was my first time directing this group, and things went really well. It's never perfect, even when the usual director runs things, but even our rough spots were smooth, so it's okay. We'll be doing the sunday service for Reno Gay Pride, and I'm looking forward to that. I'm also looking forward to taking my classical piece in to Marguerite to look over and possibly play at some upcoming sunday service... but only when I remember to dig out the sheet music!

I have my kids for the weekend. They're at their dad's for three weeks of summer visitation, which reverses the weekend schedule, instead of being full-time with me and alternate weekends with him, now I'm all on my own little lonesome most of the week and every other weekend they come back to me. Which is how I was able to be nursemaid/housewife for a week and a half. I'm headed to the auto auctions tomorrow to hopefully get myself a replacement car for the one that has decided that it won't go uphill without smoking. Life is, in general, rather good. There have been ups and downs, which I need to process through some more, but I'll do that later. I think I'm settled enough tonight that I might be able to get some sleep now.

i have a tradition. my appearance does something obnoxiously unprofessional when classes are done each year. the past few years, that's been bright crayon-coloured hair. so when i dropped off the kids today at their dad's, i had blue streaks in my hair. he's out playing with the neighborhood kids (and that's not creepy at all), and seems a little manic but not horrible. he sees my hair, and just raves... "that's super! can i see? wow!" i turned around to let him see all the blue that was pulled back into a clip, and he just reached out and started stroking my hair. i jumped. "no! hands to yourself, please."

back the fuck off, mister. i will never. EVER. let you into my personal space again without permission, and sure as hell not without your sanity accompanying you. if the kids weren't there i'd have decked him.

he takes joey, who has climbed up to the front seat with me, through the car window, which was amusing... then asks for a hug. "um..." before i can get the words out he leans in through the window and puts his arm around me.

"back off."

wow. i actually said it. go me!!

<edit> and he just called, being an ass about how i need to go pick up the kids, and saying i owe him a car somehow. oh, for the love!!! </edit>

So many things are changing right now. I just want to anchor myself to something, anything, concrete. The only things in my life that are unchanging at this moment are my faith and my dedication to my children. These things have been my anchor for a long time, but right now I want to hold on to something more visceral, and there's nothing solid for me at this moment. Between the divorce, prepping for grad school, approaching a diagnosis for the Calvinator, finding a preschool for the JoeyBean, and my own unfulfilled desires for a connection with a performing arts community, another good role model and balanced parenting for my children, and a warm body to fill the empty spot next to me in bed, I am currently in a situation to entertain possibilities, but not to turn any of them into solid plans, or even probabilities yet.

I hate that feeling.

But I love that feeling.

But I hate that feeling.

There are so many possibilities right now. If I had a good reason to anchor in Reno, I'd go for the M.M. from UNR (that I'd heard they killed, but is still on the website?), or maybe even the M.Ed. from BU, depending on the reason I found to stay... but good reasons aren't presenting themselves. I love my friends here, but I have friends all over the globe and would keep contact with my friends here like I do with all the others. I enjoy my job and like most of my colleagues, but I can't keep at it if it's not paying the bills. I want my kids to be able to settle down in one school system and build a set of friends to keep for the rest of their school years, but I've got another year or two before the time's up on that opportunity. What I need is a middle or high school teaching job, a respectable partner who I could eventually see parenting my children, an opportunity with the opera or a local theatre company that doesn't sacrifice too much of my children's time, the Calvinator being recommended for the SWAS program, or something else completely out of left field that I can't even foresee... What I need is a chance to replace some of those pieces of myself that went missing along the way, the absence of which I have felt so strongly in recent months.

I feel selfish saying it, but I just want to feel like myself again. I've given up so much for the sake of my children, my career, my ex, hell, just pulling my sorry ass up by my proverbial bootstraps and getting out of the familial welfare cycle... I don't want to be my parents' child, who got the education and income they never did; I don't want to be my children's mom, who left her boy to be parented by his mentally ill father while she got that education and career; I don't want to be the ex-wife, who couldn't maintain her marriage; I don't want to be the teacher who stands out in her field, but only because she's so afraid of letting her students down; I just want to be me. I want to find some of those things I gave up. I've been working on gaining a real sense of self-worth over the past two years, standing up to the jerk and making it on my own. It's been good, but it's given me the desire to keep working toward some of the other things I've missed out on. Like connecting with an audience. Like really impacting kids' lives. Like being able to share my own life with someone else, in a healthy way this time. Like writing and recording songs. Like raising my children to value peace, excellence, and their fellow human beings.

Excitement, anticipation, and near-paralyzing fear surround this one summative thought: unless one of my missing pieces turns up here, I'll likely be going in search of them out there.